Plumbing the Depths of My Soul
I’m still up. I can’t sleep. There’s three reasons that I usually can’t sleep: work, major worry, or heartache. Unfortunately, its the latter tonight. I made a rather big mistake today. I’m such a fool.
I told someone how I really felt about her. I opened my heart completely to her, and allowed myself to be vulnerable. At least I was honest about my feelings with her. She took it well, but then it all turned against me.
Have you ever been in love? What is love? Is it merely a series of chemical reactions that push us in a certain direction, sometimes causing us to do very foolish things? Or is it more like a connection between the heart and the soul…where the heart’s desire and longing is met by a response from the soul as if the soul leaps out and says YES!!!! with all its might? Have you ever felt this way? I have.
The problem comes in when the two reactions are not the same. When one person’s soul leaps out and the other’s gets apprehensive. Because love can be a scary thing. Knowing that someone will accept you, with all your faults, failings, and imperfections, and continue to love you regardless of all of that can be very scary indeed. And then a childish thought that a person must live up to a perfect standard by which one believes the other to be judging oneself can be quite overwhelming at times. For this, my friends, is contrary to true love, for true love accepts the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the perfect and the imperfect.
The worst is the feeling after the failure of love, and love’s expectations. The hollow, empty feeling that almost makes you wish you were never born. The throbbing ache that feels as if someone has torn a piece of your heart out and there’s nothing left there. The pain, of course, subsides after you’ve mentally dealt with the rejection that you experienced, but it exists even if you knew that rejection would come. Alas, this happens far too often. You set yourself up for a great fall into despair, hopelessness, and potential darkness.
For almost 6 months I’ve had feelings that have been building for one particular woman. And I finally gave into that desire to share this with her. But alas, she wasn’t quite as interested in the idea as I was. I knew the timing may have been off, but I had to do it. The moment was right to declare my feelings (not my intentions, just what my heart has been feeling all this time). I had to take it. Perhaps she just enjoys my attention and flattery, or maybe she needs an outlet for something she is not experiencing in other relationships. Sometimes we hold onto things far longer than we should, then rationalize and justify it, as if it is healthy and smart, when, in reality, is one of those things that, in retrospect, can be very foolish.
I’ve seen friends who get into relationships that last far too long and end in nothing. I’ve also seen friends who get involved with someone, even engaged, then discover that the other person was cheating on that person for quite sometime. Its quite sad, actually, when we waste so much time of our lives with things that are not going to be fruitful.
This is why I turn to Christ. I hope again in Christ. I feel again in Christ. I learn to open my heart even more, to expose it to even more pain, so that I may do the will of God, and love others completely. Perhaps this is what God feels when we reject Him. This may be my cross. The pain of the heart is still pain, its just not as visible as other kinds of pain. In some regards, this pain may be more perfect than other types of pain, as no one can really see your suffering unless you allow them the opportunity.
Verily my heart rejoices in the fact that real love exists. Once you accept and understand, you can move on and the ache fades over time. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t usually rest until things are settled. This has settled it. I no longer will need to reflect on these things for it is done. At least I know my heart and my soul. And, if I can walk away with anything, its the fact that I can still love, and not be afraid to be vulnerable. Even if its to the detriment of my own will. Love is meaningless if one doesn’t desire to give it away. I can walk away knowing in my heart that I did the right thing, and I gain much pleasure from hoping for the happiness of the other, even to the detriment of my own. Because who wants to be with someone that’s miserable?